my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
