I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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