just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
