After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
