Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
