i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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