Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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