Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
