Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
