Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my sisters under your porch take her home
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
