I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
