non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
