I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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