The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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