Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
