I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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