I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
