My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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