you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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