I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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