She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
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I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
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If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.