the condom got lost in my hair
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
