Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
