I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
