WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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