He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
