Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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