Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
