so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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