did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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