Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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