I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
