In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
even my farts smell like vagina
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
