So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
