you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
