On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
