Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
