he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
