He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You are a genius and a whore.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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