So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
