God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
