i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
