You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
