What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
