I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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