I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
