Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
