i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
