i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Sext me about skeletons
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
