i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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