I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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