Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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