Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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