you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
